What Was It Like?

Got a question from a reader on the comment section. Instead of answering there, I thought I’d just write it in an entry.  Here’s what the reader said, as well as my answers.  As always feel free to chime in with your input. 

Hi Mick,

I really like your blog. I have some questions and I hope it is okay to ask them here. I'm a little embarrassed to ask these questions, so if they are too intimate...I apologize in advance and won't expect an answer. So, here goes (deep breath). I am a bit hesitant because I don't want to be rude.

It’s hard to actually put these things into words because this personal stuff and we make ourselves vulnerable when we talk about them.  And yet we can’t process and learn without the words, which is why we blog and comment on each other’s blogs.  It’s not rude to ask a question, but I appreciate the respect. 

I am curious about the before and after of the first time you ever spanked Lynda. Had you planned out how it would go ahead of time, or did you just go with the flow? Were the mechanics awkward?

I remember the very first serious smack, she went, “Whoa Ho HO!”

“I told you this would be different,” I said.  We had done spanking before in a more playful manner before we used it for behavior modification. 

Yes, we planned it ahead of time. In fact, we talked it over a bunch to make sure we understood each other. I especially wanted to make sure she consented. 

Were you different with each other afterward? Was Lynda distant before or after?

I don’t remember specifically. I think she took a little time to process things.  I do know that she found herself greatly relieved that we had resolved a conflict and could now get past it. 

I remember after a short time, asking if she was okay. She doesn’t really like me to act tentative afterward. She doesn’t want to be in the position of having to reassure me. She needs me to remain confident, even in the face of her anger. She doesn’t ever like to analyze her feelings, but I maintain that I need to know how she is. 

She’s often quiet immediately afterward, and sometimes she’s still angry, which she’s allowed to feel. She just needs to be respectful.

How did you avoid making her feel like a child?

Well, I don’t think she feels like a child at these times. And I remind her that we choose this lifestyle as grownups.  We couldn’t do it if we weren’t both mature. I think it comes out that I don’t see her as a child when I spank her. I see her as an adult.

I don’t do a lot of scolding. I don’t call her a naughty girl (unless I’m kidding) and I don’t usually express a lot of anger. If I AM angry, I figure I’m expressing it by the spanking. I know some couples do find that scolding helps, but we choose not to.  We talk ahead of time to make sure she’s clear as to why she’s getting spanked because I find she’s often unclear. Sometimes I tell her what I expect of her and why she’s getting this spanking and how I want for things to be different. 

How did you figure out how hard to spank her?

It’s a learning process and a judgment call on my part. You learn as you go from spanking to spanking. I put a couple of marks on her, and I don’t like that, so I modified it afterwards. I have spanked too hard but only realized it later—there has to be a little acceptance on the part of Lynda that I don’t always get it right and we both have to learn as we progress. 

On the other hand, if I don’t do it hard enough, she comes up mad and nothing has changed.  However she has a real limit as to how hard she can take it, and it changes occasionally, so it’s a real challenge at times. 

I might add that we don’t spank specifically for catharsis. If it happens, it happens, but it’s not an end of itself and it’s not pretty when it does.  Again, some women want/need that but by experience, I’ve learned it’s not helpful for Lynda.

When you announced that it was going to happen, how did she respond?

She’s never happy, I can tell you that.  She always has an argument even if it’s pretty lame. Then she resigns herself to the fact it’s about to happen and she goes with me to our place as if she’s walking to the guillotine 

How did you feel before, during and after?

Well, I’m a little nervous as I think about she’ll react when I tell her she’s getting one, but I don’t let on.  To be truthful, as we get started, it puts me in a good mood because I like spanking her. I find that any anger I had usually goes away very quickly when she makes herself vulnerable by putting herself over my lap. As I spank, I am claiming again that role of HOH and I remember that I am responsible for her and I’m to take care of her. And I love her. 

Afterwards, I usually feel quite amorous  Sometimes our lives are so crowded, I can’t act on it immediately, but it usually stays with me until we have some time later. 

When did you know that you were doing the right thing?

I am a well educated man which means I’m never sure about anything J. 

Seriously, I knew when I could look around the house and there was order. I knew when we stopped playing our little resentment games with each other. I knew when I started feeling passion in my love for her again. And I knew when she had fewer depressive episodes. 

But I also keep evaluating to make sure it continues to be of help. 

Sorry there are so many questions, I'll stop now. 

No problem. Thanks for asking.